I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
