If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im drinking this country out of the recession.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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