I think I won the penis lottery.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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