I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
