wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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