do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
