Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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