he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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