If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
