I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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