Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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