I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
