he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
