dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
