my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
