Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
