There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
