Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize