I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
