you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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