just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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