Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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