I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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