Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Oh god it's open bar.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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