the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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