Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
