I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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