Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
