i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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