I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
