cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
