There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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