Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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