Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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