if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
