she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
