i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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