You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
