I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
