I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
