Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
