I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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