can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
