Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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