you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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