I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
