The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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