I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
