The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
