He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
