I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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