The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
