I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
